just be ...

Weekends.

It's these moments that I love.  We get to do this, spend good quality time together, on Saturdays and Sundays.  I look forward to them every week.  This is when I get to be Mom, all day long.  Not that I am not during the week, but I get to feed, teach, play and soothe him, not school, not Grandma or Ginga.  (though I am VERY thankful for them, wouldnt leave Max with anyone else) 

Each Friday afternoon, I leave my desk and practically run to daycare to swoop Max up into my arms and give a big kiss, and think the next 48 or so hours it will be 'You + Me'. 

Mom guilt.

Its such a nice feeling when I receive pictures of Max at daycare participating in the activities, baby yoga, hanging with the boys (with the exception of 2 girls, his class is all boys, ie, the Man Cave or Frat House).  Its a nice validation to know that he is happy while there. 

Its also nice to know that the daycare does take development very seriously.  I am lucky that they think to share pictures of Max achieving milestones like rolling over, sitting up, sitting at the lunch table with everyone, etc.

 

Though when I receive calls from them saying that Max is sick or hasnt been himself, I start to worry and feel guilty that I am not there to soothe him.  I start to think if I was a stay-at-home mom, he wouldnt have this.  Thankfully in the three months that Max has been attending daycare, this has only happened twice, one being yesterday. 

We spent another Friday night at the immediate care because when I called the doctor with Max's symptoms, he wanted a chest xray.  Upon initial exam of Max, the doctor noticed he was short of breath so she ordered a breathing treatment.  Then the chest xray, then some medicine.  Then another breathing treatment. 

Max was a trooper, not a single complaint.  I, on the other hand, cried the entire time. 

When the entire Frat House has runny noses, I should expect this.  Except I didnt expect all the treatments.  And the three medicines and breathing treatment contraption I was sent home with.  The boy is only 5 1/2 months old!  I started to think, 'What kind of mother am I?' and 'What mother in her right mind would subject her child to that (that = Frat House)?'

I suspect this too shall pass, his illness.  Not so sure about the guilt. 

My Sweet Boy.

Taken tonight.  I could not not capture the chapped face from all the saliva. 

Looking at this picture, seeing him smile, makes me SO happy.  I am still pinching myself he is mine.  All. Mine.  Today he was a little cranky, sensing the starting of seperation anxiety.  Plus he slept all of ... get this ... 35 MINUTES at school.  Homeboy was in bed at 6:30p tonight. 

I love you Maxwell. 

Love you.

*taken tonight, 30 Sep 2010

I am feeling very inspired today.  Not sure if its the Fall season, the fact that my sister Sharon painted the trim in the Powder Room for me (a project that was just waiting for me to get started) or that the new found energy is really starting to resonate itself in the creative section of my brain. 

Whatever the reason, this inspiration and motivation can overstay its welcome.  

I realized the other day that I dont say 'I Love You' to Max that often.  Its not like I didnt hear it when I was growing up, or even now.  I dont want this little boy to ever think twice about my love for him.  So now I am in overload ... he's probably thinking, 'Enough already! I get it!'. 

Have you told your loved ones you love them today? 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Love You digital graphic from Ali Edwards. 

Hello, my name is.

 
*our first meeting

A text message sent to my sister Sharon earlier this week:

Do you ever have days where you look in the mirror and say, 'aaannnd...you are?'

In case you havent noticed, I've had the mother of all life changes happen to me this year.  Not only did I give birth to another human being, I became responsible for this human and that includes molding him into a responsible human being.  Then add in I am a working mother.  Full-time working mother.  Talk about change.  Its just been in the last couple of weeks have I come out of the fog.  Sure, the baby fog cleared and then work started up.  Now that the work fog is clearing, I am looking at myself in the mirror each day and I see me, but its not the me I have known for 38+ years. 

The things that I have noticed the most?  I have this sense of calmness about me.  I have a happiness I never experienced before.  I have a renewed energy for life.  I'd imagine these items wont be so foreign forever and they will just become who I am.  I look forward to that day.  But I am also enjoying this process of getting to know this person I am now. 

For example, I used to get so terribly upset over the way people would behave at work.  Today, I felt part of me slip into that old person but caught myself, and turned it around.  I let the conflict go and told myself it'll be what it will be.  And I am actually okay with that. 

Another example, I used to think that if I had what other people had, I would find the happiness I wanted.  So not true.  I need to trust my feelings and instincts.  If I like a certain sweater or item of clothing that is not runway ready, then sobeit.  As long as I feel good wearing it and it flatters my complicated body type, all is good in the world. 

Thankfully Sharon plays the role of big sister so naturally and has such a compassion for it.  She responded to my text, reassuring me that motherhood is changing me for the better.  What an awesome validation.  Thank you big sister! Thank you!

Be in the moment.

It was a couple weeks after Max's birth, when I was speaking with my brother, explaining to him how I was feeling about all the changes of motherhood and Max.  He offered his advice in these words, 'Just be in the moment.  Dont worry about tomorrow or ten years from now.' 

Wow.  I had no clue how to do what he had told me.  And truth be told, I couldnt help but say to myself, how ridiculous of an idea.  I hate to say that I am wrong, as everyone does.  But in this case, I owe it to Andrew.  I was wrong.  BOY was I wrong! 

Max forces me to be in the moment.  He forces me to stop and smell the roses and to enjoy him for what he is at that moment.  I was packing away some of the newborn clothes, knowing he'll never wear them again and I was feeling sad.  For the first few weeks of his life, I was a mess, he was getting used to being alive and we were both getting used to each other.  I look back on that time and I am so thankful I took pictures, because its all a blur. 

A friend gave me this book, as a gift, I Was a Really Good Mom before I had Kids.  The last chapter was about living in the now.  Here are their seven simlpe ways to enjoy the here and now:

1.  Living in the moment means adjusting some of your expectations.
2. Dont fight the stage you are in.  If its a challenging phase, know that it will pass quickly.  If its a blissful phase, cherish it, because it will also pass quickly. 
3.  Every moment is a valuable moment no matter how seemingly mundane.  Some moms use folding laundry as their time for meditation.  Maybe there's a task you dont love that you can turn into something meaningful.
4.  Look at things through your child's eyes and the world will change.  The simple things that inspire them can stop us in our tracks and inspire us too.
5.  Just be.  Right now.  We focus on doing so much of the time that we forget to acknowledge our blessings. 
6.  Remember what feels so important now, will later feel inconsequential.
7.  The simple, basic rules are what will be imprinted on your children forever.  Rather than the great big flashy fifth birthday parties, what they'll carry with them are the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you two shared every day after school. 

I am working on #5 currently.  Not doing so much, eliminating the unnecessary errands, finding more efficient ways to get the jobs done (for example, used Peapod for groceries this past week.  Found that the time I would have spent in the store, I was down on the floor with Max encouraging him when he was working on rolling over.  I will cherish that forever). 

In this moment, I am feeling very grateful.  I am gearing up for the short but super busy work week.  And I am hungry. 

Cloth.

 

I have started incorporating cloth diapers into the mix for Max.  This was originally driven by the fact that he has won the title of, Super Soaker, after a three night run of soaking the bed.  I had to remove sheet and pad because they were soaked.  I also had to wipe down the mattress with a wet cloth to make sure there wasnt any Soaker residue. 

My mother had said my brother was like this and she would double up his cloth diapers when it was time for bed.  Not one to shy away from advice from an experienced diaper-er, I took to the internet (thank you Rebekah) with information from my cousin who is using cloth. 

I found that cloth diapering is not the same as what our mothers used to do.  Nor is it as difficult as I had originally thought.  As seen above in the picture, Max is wearing an All-in-One cloth diaper.  Looks just like a disposable.  And the nice super soft poly lining doesnt allow the you know what to stick which makes for easy cleaning. 

I've done enough research on this topic to literally make myself dizzy from all the 'this is better for the environment'.  If I dont have the trash from the disposables, I am using more water in the three additional loads of laundry per week.  And on the flip, if I conserve water, I am adding to the landfills.  There is no win to this.  So in the end its a personal choice. (And I guess, its a wash, literally.  For the 20 or so disposables I dont use/throw out, I use enough water for an extra load of laundry.)

I like the fact that I can have both.  I like having Max use the cloth when we are at home and for sleeping.  I like having the disposables for when we are out and about.  Max isnt complaining and so far the extra work needed to have clean diapers hasnt gotten in the way of other duties or quality time with Max.  What exactly does all this mean really?  I like them.  I like the fact that they are soft and comfy on Max's body, so the cloth will be sticking around. 

What type of parent are you?

*Max, 4 weeks

Next week Max starts attending daycare, so I've been busy completing his registration paperwork and collecting the items they need to have in his classroom for him.  During the orientation, the primary caregiver for Max asked how he liked to sleep, immediately assuming on his back.  I said no, he sleeps on his stomach.  Up went the eyebrows, the eyes got big and then she forced a smile.  She told me that its state law and the day care center policy that if he cannot turn over by himself, he will be put to sleep on his back.  WHOA!  Hold the phone!  Max doesnt sleep on his back, a decision I made on the 2nd day home from the hospital.  I watched him sleep on his side and it just looked downright uncomfortable.  And I am completely against back sleeping for all sorts of digestive problem reasons and flat head reasons. 

I had to call Max's doctor to get a note stating that Max has to sleep on his stomach.  I was a bit shocked after reading the note, which basically said that I wasnt following the recommendations of the American Pediatric Association.  I realized I am one of 'those' parents because I have my child sleep on his stomach. 

Lock me up for this.  And before you do, be sure to make me eat brussel sprouts, because I also am a big advocate of getting babies in the water as young as possible.  I dont want Max to be afraid of water.  I want him to be able to enjoy swimming and playing around in the surf.  I want him to know the joys of childhood water related activities.  I believe many parents are shy of the water with their newborns or infants because of the sun and exposing them to harmful rays and chemicals.  I am smart about this, I either lather Max up with suntan lotion, or I wait until early evening when the sun is setting.  I also give Max a bath after any time spent in a pool.  Dont we take showers after swimming?  Why would it be any different for Max? 

I wish I had filmed Max in my friend Ria's pool last Saturday.  He immediately smiled and then was consistently throwing his head back and legs up to float.  He loved it!  It was so natural to him to be in the water. 

*Max, 11 weeks

Everyone parents in their own way.  I am going with my gut feeling, my intuition.  It feels right doing so. 

For the love of chores.

Do you have one chore that you actually dont mind doing?  Do you find that you might look forward to this chore?  Find its mindless work that actually relaxes you?  Yeah, me too.

My favorite chore is Laundry. 

 

I could do it all day long, and never complain about it.  I used to hate it with a passion.  But since I've been on my own in my own home, laundry took on a whole new meaning.  Now with Max, that meaning changed again.  Pre-Max, laundry meant taking care of myself.  Post-Max, laundry now means taking care of me and Max or I can now say, my family. 

I cant put my finger on this exactly, but since Max has arrived and blended so nicely into my life (or I should really say how my life has blended with Max), I feel like I have a purpose now.  My life has a purpose.  Doing laundry has a purpose (other than making sure we have clean clothes).  Its one of those 'Mom' things.  Moms do the laundry.  Moms make the meals.  Moms kiss the boo-boos. 

In the last 10 weeks, I've made sure that the laundry was done, and put away.  I've made sure the sheets on the beds (mine and his) are changed weekly (if not more, him).  I've made sure that bottles are made every night before I go to bed.  All of these chores, as much as some people cringe at the thought of them, I enjoy them and they make me feel like I am doing atleast one part of the Mom job correctly. 

Return to Work.

 

Today I've returned to work.  I've left Max at my mother's house for her to spend the day with him while I come here and contribute to the company's success.  People have asked, 'Are you ready?', 'How are you feeling about going back?'  My answer to all questions, 'I have to.' and 'Since I know I need health insurance and a solid income, I know I have to work.' 

And so it is, me here putting forth an effort into a job that I do enjoy, that was my life for the last five years.  This company was very fortunate to have me give what I gave without complaints or asking for anything in return.  Now, I should say they did give me awesome opportunities of travel all around the world, and a decent maternity leave. 

The balance between work and personal lives is like a teeter-totter, and the last five years its been real heavy on the work side.  Now its starting to weigh heavy on the personal side.  I do imagine I'll need to find a good balance.  Luckily for me, my company is filled with working mothers that I can look to and find guidance.  And at the end of the day, I'll feel good about working (and collecting the paycheck) and more importantly, I'll be super excited to see Max and hug him and kiss him non-stop!