just be ...

You are your own worst critic.

I'll be the first to admit that I surely am my own worst critic.  I think my critic though has a chronic problem.  Its unusually critical.  Like over-the-top-obsessive-compulsive-wicked-witch-of-the-east problem. 

I had posted this shortly after I had given birth.  My body simply amazed me at what it was capable of.  This week, the critic, lets call it Lord Voldemort, had found its residence again in my head. 

Prior to getting pregnant, I used to work out anywhere from 60 to 90 minutes a day.  Hard cardio and weights, every day of the week.  I never took a break.  Wearing that size 8 was a result of this.  Plus the fact that I wouldnt eat.  Looking at this now, with a healthier mind, I realize whoa! that wasnt a healthy lifestyle I lived. 

Max and I finally found our groove and a routine that suits us both.  Working out still isnt finding its way into the groove as often as I'd like, just yet.  I am sure that will change.  In the meantime, I am enjoying my time spent on the floor with Max, or reading books together, or whatever it is that we need to do.  I'll get back to a healthier weight soon. 

So when I found myself being SUPER critical of myself this week, especially about my body and my appearance, I felt negative and ugly.  I probably carried myself differently, and people could read that.  How is it that Lord Voldemort was able to return? 

It was like I had a V8 moment right smack in the middle of me gorging on cookies, I had asked myself, why am I eating like this?  What is wrong with me?  Why do I feel just left of center? 

Dating.  And the men who have a thing about womens weight. 

I know I'll never be a super model (genetically not possible with my short legs.  = ) ).  I know I am not naturally thin.  But the one thing I am not is obese.  Once I was able to calculate that it was their problem, not mine, I started being nice to myself again. 

My good friend Amy said to me this week, the person you choose to be with should make you feel better about yourself, not make you constantly worry.  Thank you Amy!

Love affair.

photo credit  

I have a thing for coffee and tea cups.  Something about them makes me feel all warm inside.  Not sure if its the stories that go along with sitting down for a cup of coffee or tea, or if its just the ritual of having a cup of coffee or tea that brings a sense of calm to me.  (and it could seriously be the chamomile tea too!)

I found these puppies on Etsy.  Unfortunately, they sold before I could say I definitely wanted them.  So I will hold out until someone else in the world lists their blue japanese stacking mugs (c'mon people in japan! someone has to be clearing out their house somewhere on that island!). 

I also love when I go to the Goodwill with Mom, to browse the housewares section for the fine china that is donated.  I have a whole shelf of tea cups in various patterns just waiting to be used.  I love looking at them, wondering what their story is on how they got to Goodwill, and how much will they enjoy my favorite flavor of coffee or tea. 

So if you ever wondered what sparks my interest when thrifting, or one of the little things that make me geniunely happy, coffee/tea cups. 

i love ...

(Thank you to Chookooloonks for her 'i love' series that she posts regularly to her blog.  I've been inspired to share the same.)

 
photo credit here.

This is Block Island, Rhode Island.  I recall standing at the top of these steps as a kid thinking, 'Oh lets go!' and clearly hearing my father's wife say, 'Oh no, lets not go!'.  As adult, I know why she said so ... All. Those. Stairs.  

I love the beach.  Always have.  Always will.

Be in the moment.

It was a couple weeks after Max's birth, when I was speaking with my brother, explaining to him how I was feeling about all the changes of motherhood and Max.  He offered his advice in these words, 'Just be in the moment.  Dont worry about tomorrow or ten years from now.' 

Wow.  I had no clue how to do what he had told me.  And truth be told, I couldnt help but say to myself, how ridiculous of an idea.  I hate to say that I am wrong, as everyone does.  But in this case, I owe it to Andrew.  I was wrong.  BOY was I wrong! 

Max forces me to be in the moment.  He forces me to stop and smell the roses and to enjoy him for what he is at that moment.  I was packing away some of the newborn clothes, knowing he'll never wear them again and I was feeling sad.  For the first few weeks of his life, I was a mess, he was getting used to being alive and we were both getting used to each other.  I look back on that time and I am so thankful I took pictures, because its all a blur. 

A friend gave me this book, as a gift, I Was a Really Good Mom before I had Kids.  The last chapter was about living in the now.  Here are their seven simlpe ways to enjoy the here and now:

1.  Living in the moment means adjusting some of your expectations.
2. Dont fight the stage you are in.  If its a challenging phase, know that it will pass quickly.  If its a blissful phase, cherish it, because it will also pass quickly. 
3.  Every moment is a valuable moment no matter how seemingly mundane.  Some moms use folding laundry as their time for meditation.  Maybe there's a task you dont love that you can turn into something meaningful.
4.  Look at things through your child's eyes and the world will change.  The simple things that inspire them can stop us in our tracks and inspire us too.
5.  Just be.  Right now.  We focus on doing so much of the time that we forget to acknowledge our blessings. 
6.  Remember what feels so important now, will later feel inconsequential.
7.  The simple, basic rules are what will be imprinted on your children forever.  Rather than the great big flashy fifth birthday parties, what they'll carry with them are the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you two shared every day after school. 

I am working on #5 currently.  Not doing so much, eliminating the unnecessary errands, finding more efficient ways to get the jobs done (for example, used Peapod for groceries this past week.  Found that the time I would have spent in the store, I was down on the floor with Max encouraging him when he was working on rolling over.  I will cherish that forever). 

In this moment, I am feeling very grateful.  I am gearing up for the short but super busy work week.  And I am hungry. 

Spicing it up.

You've probably noticed the new banner.  Yep.  Working on some changes here.  And not just on the ol'blog.  This week and last were a couple of trying weeks for me both personally and professionally.  Today during my lunch hour as I sat across from my lunch mate, as I do practically every day, I heard myself be an optimist.  Then it happened again this afternoon as I speaking with a colleague who is down on her luck right now.  I smacked the top of her desk and said, 'You have to think positive.  You have to believe it will get better!'. 

WOW.

That was me who said that.  Me, who said that with all sorts of passion and belief in my words that were exiting my mouth.  As I walked back to my desk, I asked myself, 'WHO ARE YOU? And what have you done with the old Melissa?'  (I can only imagine the face I was wearing when saying this and THANKFULLY no one was in the hallway to witness this face!)

Little beknownst to me, I've had an attitude adjustment.  This person who walks the earth now is not the same person who walked the earth prior to May 2nd, 2010.  And I have one adorable creature who is a cloth-diaper-that-consumes-his-entire-body-wearing-so-not-to-wet-the-bed-once-again-snoring in the next room to thank for this.  Thank you Max.  Thank you with all my being for making me a better person.  For making me challenge me to be that person I've always wanted to be. 

There are some things that I can change quickly, like the blog banner and the blog button that people can take to post on their websites and blogs (which is still in progress, I need to figure out how to display the code).  There are some things that will take some time to change.  In this process, I need to be kind to myself and allow myself the room to make mistakes so that I can learn and grow, which will then transform into a permanent change.  I am excited, yet very nervous as I dont deal with this kind of change very well.  But I believe I can do it. 

I am also re-committing myself to this blog.  I am excited for the changes I want to make.  I think you, my loyal readers, will enjoy too!  So, stay tuned! 

Overwhelmed.

Feeling very overwhelmed today.  I think its a combination of working full-time, caring for Max, caring for my mom while she is healing (which by the way she is doing awesome), maintaining the family budget, finding time to prepare meals, catch up on my reading and writing (ie, the lack of posts here).  Throw in a couple of phone calls with friends and out-of-town family, an average of 4 hours of sleep per night and it makes for one exhausted Me. 

Today as I instant messaged with my friend Rich, I listed out all of the above and he said, 'Wow those are really good compelling reasons NOT to do it', when discussing my writing.  I tried to explain to him that I dont have any 'Me' time any more, its always 'Max' time.  I am surely not complaining because if I have to spend any time with anyone on this planet, he is my first choice.  This is just a HUGE adjustment for me, learning the balance between Me, Us and Him. 

I am open to any advice on how to juggle it all, especially being a working mother. 

Sunday, Andrew, Kelly and the boys had made a visit at my mom's house.  Kelly and I were able to do our best in getting some shots of the three boys together.  You can see Charlie is not all that interested in Max, but Tyler is.  Tyler shared his blankie with Max, but took it back right away as if he was saying, 'See! Its soft and cuddly and makes you happy.  Now, let go!'.  Here are the good ones.

Thank you Charlie and Tyler for always being so fun to hang out with! 

Happy Saturday!

  
Sending our love to everyone, hoping you are enjoying your weekend! 

Summertime.

 

A new appreciation.

My view, understanding and love for my body has changed. 

Before Max, I would abuse my body by not eating, making poor food choices, having little to no nutrition.  I would exercise compulsively because I thought I was 'fat' as defined by society.  I would do all the previously mentioned and then some, just to squeeze into size eight jeans.  Sure, it did wonders on my psyche, but my heart? my blood pressure?  my cholesterol?  Um, probably not so great. 

Now I sit here, having given birth to another human being and having to shop for new clothes, I am finding that I am not so hard on myself because I cant fit into size eight pants.  I am now conscious of what I eat, making sure I get proper nutrition so I can be healthy for Max.  I have stretch marks on my stomach but I am not disgusted by them nor am I ready for them to go away.  (I know they never will, but I want them to take their time shrinking)  Why?  Because its a gentle reminder of what my body did and can do.  I am in awe over the fact that Max is a result of my body.  He started out as just a bunch of cells, and now he's in the next room sleeping in his crib. 

There is a line in the movie Miss Congeniality 2, at the end where Gracie visits a classroom of a grade school fan, and says this to the class, '... the strength to hold fast to your beliefs... while society's forcing you to conform to some barbie doll image, know what I'm saying?'

This is a great  message to everyone, in regards to self-esteem and image.  Dont let what the tags say, what peers say, about how you should look, what size is beautiful.  Everyone is beautiful in their own right.  This message has finally made it through to me. 

I look at my body now and knowing what it can do, the miracle it can provide and I find that I love it just the way it is, stretch marks, hanging uterus and all.  I've never been this comfortable in my own skin.  Its such a great feeling.  So much better than knowing what the tag says.  

A morning thought.

This morning as I sit here trying to quickly post this, eat breakfast and shower all while Max sleeps for the next hour, I realize the following:

Summer is in full swing.
Feeling nostalgic for lazy summer days spent at the beach on Block Island. 
I have certain goals and dreams that I want for my life, Max's life, and balancing and prioritizing them 
is exhausting and stressful.
Though, first time in my life, I have something that trumps anyone else's priorities 
(including mine!).

All of which are good things.