just be ...

One Little Word.

Each year Ali Edwards kicks off her 'One Little Word' project.  Its about picking one word that you will carry throughout the year, one word that will guide you, challenge you and most of all help you attain whatever it is that you set out for the year.

2012 is going to be a big adjustment year for me.  I'll be bringing another human into the world.  My already existing love of my life, Max, is heading into the 'terrible twos' and I've taken on a new role at work.  Lots of new stuff. 

Lots.

So when I was reading her project kick-off recently, I saw that my word for 2012 kind of found me.  Re-reading the second paragraph above and the only thing that will be needed in the same amount, if not more, is Strength.

My current almost daily prayer for strength will probably increase to a couple of times per day.  I am very excited for the changes that are coming (well, not so much the terrible twos), and I want this time to be as peaceful as possible.  No yelling, no losing of patience, remaining calm. 

I see what the yelling and no patience does, and its not effective in the least bit.  I also see what happens when you dont do anything.  I am looking for the middle of the road here, one that is effective. 

I have printed the above graphic out and posted it in various places around the house - the fridge, the bathroom mirror, inside the glasses cabinet.  I have put it in my wallet right near the debit card.  And I've inserted it into a frame and is sitting on my desk at work.  These constant reminders I am hoping will help me remember to step back, pray, clear my mind and heart.  This doesnt just apply to parenting, it applies to all areas of my life. 

If you havent heard of this project, or are interested, I recommend going over to Ali's website and checking it out.

What is your One Little Word?

Manicure.

(This is the last 'me' post before we get back to regular scheduled programming where its all Max, all the time!) 

I love having my nails painted.  I love the way they look.  I feel pretty when both my finger and toes are painted.  (and any mother knows there are times when you just need to feel pretty and not someone's nose/hands/ass cleaner.)

Though with typing all day and handling a toddler who is into everything, it doesnt make for a good environment to spend the money on regular manicures. 

That was until I found these.  Let. Me. Tell. You.  They are absolutely the bomb! 

I usually chip or scratch or smudge something no sooner the manicurist finishes my nails, and with these I've done just about everything - with the exception of building a house - and there is minimal wear.  I am talking bathing a toddler, chasing down a toddler with food all over him, dishes, laudry, sleeping, bathing myself, getting dressed for the day, tumbling class....and the list can go on! 

You cant really see the color since its a Chamgane-like (Raise A Glass), but you will notice the nails look finished....and pretty.  (mind the fat fingers!)

They are about $8 on sale, which is about half the cost of a manicure.  They take about 10 to 15 minutes to put on, which is about half the time of a manicurist.  And there is NO dry time.  Loving It! 

What do you do to make yourself feel pretty?

You Are Beautiful.

When Max and I were at the Morton Arboretum over Labor Day weekend, there were several art exhibits throughout the place.  This one was my favorite.  I think its visible from I-88. 

You are beautiful.

You are.

My grandmother told me that everytime we saw each other.  I tend to remember that when I am feeling low.  I think we need to remember this and feel this about ourselves and others. 

Weekend Thoughts.

Have a few thoughts from the weekend.  Some of them I am certainly learning from, others I'd just like to process and move on and a few that I want to remember.

Learning experiences -
-listen to my head, not my heart when i am upset.  makes life much easier when i am logical about things.
-just say what is on my mind when it is on my mind. dont like the feeling of a missed opportunity.
-the laundry WILL get done.

Moving on -
-meltdown at funeral service for a woman I knew.  not a fan of funerals, dont like saying 'good-bye'.
-unecessary conflicts (see point #1 above).
-excess clutter in my house.

Remember -
-tyler enjoying playing in Uncle Geno's truck.
-tyler telling me to put max in the driver seat, and  he'll put his seatbelt on in the passenger seat. (it was as if they were teenagers,  heading out for the night, SO cute!).
-max wanting to help me weed the flower beds.
-sharon, erika, nicholas, zachary, max and i hiking the Blackwell Forest Preserve.

How was your weekend?

Bad day.

Today was not a good day.  I left work in a ball of anxiety.  My blood pressure was up.  I could feel my heart racing as I drove home.  I do not like this feeling nor is it doing any good for my health.

A couple of weeks ago, it was very busy at work, and I logged a good 50 - 55 hours in one week.  That is 10 to 15 hours into my personal life and my time with Max.  When I mentioned this to my manager, clearly stating that my family comes first, I witnessed a level of self-centeredness I've never seen before.  I could dissect the entire conversation here but 1) its not worth the energy to re-live that, 2) I dont have the energy to re-live that and 3) it is so appalling how the situation was handled, I am embarrassed to say I work under this management.

And the long work hours have not stopped.  Two weeks ago, I wanted to take a Friday afternoon off for a little Melissa time.  I was looking forward to stopping at Home Depot, collect a few things head home for an afternoon of landscaping and then collecting Max at the end of the day.  That got blown so far out of the water by 10:30am, it reduced to me tears (at work no less!).  I was SO angry that I couldnt take a day off, and colleagues were without blinking an eye. 

This afternoon, when I stopped at my mother's house to pick-up Max, hang out for a bit with my sister and her kids, I had no energy to do so.  Max turned into a whiny brat.  Refer to the first paragraph of this post, and I couldnt stand it.  We came home earlier than we had expected, but in our usual routine.  And this is the part that is causing the knot in my stomach to tighten to a point of vomiting.  I basically ignored Max while I made a crap-ass dinner. 

I wont ever get that hour, hour and a half back.  I screwed up that quality time.  I know its not going to have a permanent impact on his life nor will he even remember.  But I will.  I will know that my job had taken so much out of me that I couldnt stop what I was doing or even put it on hold so that I could spend time with my son. 

I rocked Max to sleep tonight and felt as what I did has damaged our relationship (yes, i know i sound ridiculous), that he doesnt like me anymore.  I will lose sleep tonight, go to work tomorrow faking it until I make it, and will do my damnest to leave work at work.  I will come home tomorrow and hope that I can make better choices. 

NO job is more important than quality time with Max.  Or any other family member. 

 

Random Thoughts (its a long one...).

Today is Easter Sunday.  First Easter with Max.  Not sure if its me still feeling like I need to 'catch-up' from when I was traveling, but I wasnt all that thrilled about this holiday.  (in its defense, it is ranked #3, after Christmas and Halloween)

I did get Max an Easter basket, and filled it with goodies.  He seemed to enjoy the plastic eggs.  I had left them empty because really, what do you put in a plastic egg for a one year old??  Yes, ONE YEAR.  Will get to that further on.  I did put a few m&m's in one for him to shake around.  He loved it!

We met up with Grandma + Ginga at church.  They had the full adult choir today at mass.  They were loud, and beautiful.  As they sang the procession song, I realized today is a BIG day in the religious world.  Yes, I always knew it was a big day.  As an adult, now with a child, I felt the 'hugeness' of the day.  All the flowers on the altar, the flowers wrapped around the cross (the one on a stick the altar boy carries).  I am happy I have a faith.  I am happy I get to share it with Max.

After church, we went to Grandma's to hang out for a bit before heading out for lunch/dinner.  Apparently Max was hungry.  Or teething.  Or just learning what the coffee table is by touch.  (I was told by his teachers Max is a sensory learner, uses the senses to learn.)

I love him.

Today is also my brother's birthday.  We celebrated with a visit to the boat shop at Bass Pro.  Why not?  If for nothing else, the boys - twinkies + Max - enjoyed it.  (And its official, Mr. Right is now required to have a boat.)

One year ago today, I was 37 weeks pregnant and was DONE with being pregnant.  I was a nervous wreck about becoming a parent.  I was CLUELESS of the changes that were coming.  One year ago next Sunday, a dream that I had carried with me for as long as I can remember finally came true.  When they say, 'be careful what you wish for...', or 'miracles do happen', or 'dreams do come true', they really mean it.  They arent telling lies. 

My life has changed so much in the last year.  Starting with the obvious addition of Max, but also what he has brought to my life.  I am a much happier person now.  I am a much healthier person (mentally, emotionally and getting there physically).  A fellow-blogger friend is on the fence about becoming a single mother.  She is in what they call the 'thinking' stage.  She has all the same questions and thoughts and feelings I had prior to Max.  I just want to go to wherever she is, give her a big hug and say, 'its more than you ever imagined!'.  Because at the end of each day, you get to hang out with your kid(s) and be goofballs...

and have help with the laundry...

and know that sitting on a boat you know you can never afford, in a boat shop on a Saturday night is SO much better than being on a date with Mr. SO Wrong. 

Today, I also learned the true colors of a few people.  And this is what I take away from it (see above about how Max has changed my life), I dont want Max to associate with people like this, nor do I want him to learn their negative behaviors.  So to be a good role model for Max, I am choosing to treat these people differently, still with respect, but different.  Change.  Its not always your enemy, sometimes you are better friends with it than you know. 

And that is it ...

Decisions.

What to do on a balmy Sunday afternoon?  Laundry? Or take a stroll?  Hmmm....

Laundry got trumped.  We went for a stroll along the Riverwalk in downtown Naperville.  A little bit windy, but fresh air felt good on someone's feet.  And on Mommy's face! 

::right now::

(new periodic series of documenting the 'right now', capturing life, all inspired by Soule Mama.)

Right now, I am ...

::watching Max sleep (ok, not right this minute, but he has a cold and I've been checking on him).

::loving chai tea and all its spicey goodness.

::wanting to walk through my house with the garbage can to rid of any clutter.  feeling very 'messy' with all my little piles everywhere. 

::looking at the enormous pile of laundry that needs to be folded.

::heading to bed soon (have been oversleeping in the mornings, need to go to bed earlier).

::praying for Japan, and all those families to be reconnected, safely. 

::waiting for a package with some new make-up.  new season = new make-up. 

::enjoying my nighttime routine with Max.  playing chase, watching him stand in front of the humdifier blowing air in his face, crawling all around in his diaper, so happy. 

::surprising myself at being able to do this Mom thing. 

::feeling grateful for my day today.  should never take a day for granted. 

Elf on the Shelf.

Lately when reading my blogroll, those that have young children all seem to have this The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition with Blue Eyed North Pole Pixie-Elf toy.  I find it interesting that many have the same tradition.  Or better yet, same approach of incoporating the 'he knows if you've been bad or good' theory, ie, get their children to behave in all the seasonal chaos!  

I gave it some thought, and made the purchase of our own elf.  He'll probably arrive after Christmas, which is fine.  This will give me 11 months to come up with a name (because he has to be registered on their website so that Santa knows who he now belongs to), and how I want to use it (because Max will still be too young to understand the actual concept of Santa and elves and presents, he'll be 18 months then).  This is one of many holiday traditions I've started this year.  Outside the Holiday Tea + Craft Social just recently held, there is the picture with Santa (though this year was a semi-bust, we were able to get one with Max and the twinkie nephews at the Merry Mingle but it wasnt all that great), and now we'll add this Elf to the list. 

We had a few traditions growing up, the picture with Santa, the hanging of the stockings (I always wanted to be around when Mom hung the stockings), decorating the tree.  I reflect on these each Christmas.  I want Max to have the same warm and happy feeling about our Christmases.  (I feel like I can get a gold star for this section of parenting.  So Santa, if you are reading this, one gold star for me please.)

What are some of your holiday traditions? Do you have a tradition from your childhood that you still do today?

Holiday Propaganda.

*jjill holiday catalog

The holiday mailers are in full swing.  I like them.  They are welcomed  in my home.  (much more so than the political crap!)  They are pretty and happy and full of good things that I want to purchase.  They are also very inspirational.  I like this one. 

What's your simple wish?

This is the first thing I read when I pulled the mail from the mailbox.  After a long day, where almost everything did not go as planned, the only thing that came to mind when trying to answer the question?  Simplicity.  Just as it says.  Simple.  Wishing my life could be a little bit simpler. 

Not that my life by any means is complicated, but as of late I cant get my head around simple tasks.  For instance today, I should have gone to the store to purchase formula during my lunch hour because a good mother would know that when she is scraping out the formula container means its time for more.  Instead I went to Target because I am on the hunt down for a red amaryllis in a white ceramic container to get the right balance of holiday in my home.  Having my house is disarray is probably the cause of me being nutty. 

To make my life simpler, I would love an extra hour in my day just to get the little things done so that I feel like I am in control again.  Maybe after this weekend, when the house will be decorated, things will be where they need to be and I can sit back and enjoy the holiday season with Max, will I feel better about things. 

Also, I have a second part to my wish.  All the less fortunate than I have a warm place to be this holiday season. 

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Be sure to check out Amazon.com for any Christmas gifts on your lists.  They have some great deals, including free shipping!